The Believer; A Dreamer.

Friday, May 30, 2008

is there a tumour in your humour?

time has passed so fast. I honestly dont know whats keeping me alive. Continuously breathing under this heap of expectation, workload and jsut mounting stress. For once, i can say, i am indeed stressed. But i feel calmer. I think its cos i know school is OFFICIALLY over for Term 2 and its back to mugging as starsky says.

I think i really owe it to Floorball for helping to keep my stress level down. I mean, everytime i enter Futsal, i remember Aza's words, that is "When its time for Floorball, concentrate on floorball. And when its time to study, then concentrate on studying." who knew those simple words could mean so much. Everytime i finish training even if i played like crap or well, i just feel so enlightened. So light. It makes me feel good but most importantly, it keeps me focused for at least 2 hours to work on my math! HAHAHA. It just feels really good.

Like today. After training (ive stopped rushing off), i stayed a bit to take a breather in the cold wet evening. Talked to Starsky and Ayuni and Aza. Discussed the mini comp., joked about a bit about god-knows what and then i amde my way to the cantten while they continued to slack there. They joined me at the canteen only after close to one hour later? and they either bathed or well, thats only starsky, played floorball.

OH HAHAH. I was doing transformation and i couldnt do some parts esp with the y square. And they helped me with it! =D I love my floorball team so much. They were all so nice about it even tho i was quite embarassed that i didnt know some stuff. HAHAH. OHOHOH.. okay, not to scare anyone but, oh gosh, the hair at the back of my neck jsut totally stood at its ends but the toilet in the canteen might be haunted man. OH MY. Okay, i know youre now syaing like "URGH. thats dumb" But it might just be true!

Okay, this is wrong to be put on the blog so if you want, you have to ask me. Cos i dont want people getting into trouble for my pure bliss of sabotaging. HAHAH.

Walked back with them and decided to skip dinner with them to go home and take a good shower in the dark (yeah, the light was spoilt). and then went down to have dinner.

I found a pic of my siblings and i back then without Mustaqim. And i was wearing this horrendous chamander (think pokemon) pants that was short for my height, and we all had our own hand-made masks on and we all posed. LMAO. Its so funny. Yet, i could help thinking about all that happened in the old house. All the bad memories and the secrets. And then "would have been's" just popped out. and i didnt want to think of them all. I mean, i was not exactly having the best week, why kill my week that way?

Oh, a funny incident happened during econs lect too. To do with Dominic and Kar Xiu and well, seating. HAHAHA. I was quite embarassed. Hey mel, i didnt jinx anything okay! LOL.

On a side note: this is for babe.

I know youve been making an effort. It hasnt gone unnoticed. your call just slipped my mind, and when i asked in the GO what was it about and you said "nothing" i know it meant "everything". And i couldnt, for some reason, just stop whatever it was i was doing to give you a hug that both of us needed so much. and i felt so guilty. Like why was i not talking to my bestfriend? that movie we never caught, that call we never made. And to think Aza was jsut talking about a movie after a friendly after training. We should catch up, even if it means studying. just knowing youre there right in front of me like youve always been or even tried to be, is so comforting. Im been okay, and i from what i read you seem good too. But well, they always said in PW, blogs are unrealiable sources. So, perhaps, we need more than a blog to keep updated. I love you babe. And i know, these 2 years will only make us stronger. And yes, i think youve become much stronger. And im so proud of you and what we have.

"Though our communication wanes at times of absence, I'm aware of a strength that emanates in the background."
-Claudette Renner

Sunday, May 25, 2008

i feel stuck here, against the pavement

Im listening to Little things by Colbie Caillat. And the first person i thought of was Lydia. I think she'd be able to relate to this song easily. But, im not gonna recommend it to he jsut yet, cos i just she'll squel like 8 octaves, and then... HAHAH. I love you lydia, you know, patience always seems to reap benefits, so maybe it will be in your case. =)

Anyhooo, its the first day of Prelim 1 and of course the second day will be on 24 June but thats not the point. Its General Paper today. YUP, im getting the butterflies. I feel like Mr Chow has draw this circle for me and i feel very restricted. But i realise that it is only in this circle that i am relevant so i HAVE to keep to this circle, no matter how tempted i may be about crossing over.

Do you get the analogy?

Im scared i wont have enough content. Im afraid of making grammatical errors (remember: People are the ONE???). Im afraid every "cool" word i chose to use in this exam will just get flushed away when i enter the classroom. OOOOOOOOOOO~ Im being paranoic. HAHA. Just the way Mr Chow wants us to be. And i really really want to finish up my compre and essay. If i fail to do that, then ive failed my most important goal in this paper. Better to be worried and paranoic then to be relaxed and make mistake because you were not being extrta careful right? =)

Also, i apologise for not updating enough. Im just getting a little bored with typing too much. So perhaps, i'll be doing less and less blogging nowadays. I jsut seem to have to do other things now when im online. For example, reading really good VJC essay and oicking out 3 points. Searching for relevant Econs articles. HAHA. Yeah, im making FULL use of the internet. You should too. Its really beneficial.

On other news, david cook won American Idol season 7.Im relatively(??) happy? I guess, its not the same as Jason castro winning it. HAHAHA. EH, babe, if you didnt notice, David cook had REALLY bad hairstyling when he first entered the competition. He had a red streak. WTHHHH is a red streak??! HAHA. and his hir didn improve towards the end of the show but i thought that he had the best hairstyle come the finale, when it was dark brown. But hey, Castro had cool hair before and after the show. and he has mesmerising blue eyes and raises he eyebrows when he sings like me when i get exciting (remember: class fun pic?? EEKZZZ!) So, no, David cook is NOT cooler than Jason castro. OHOHOH, and Jason castro is soooo much more humble than David cook. and did i mention???? David cook has a tummy. HAHAHAHAH. A slightly curved outwards one. HAHAHA. Oh dear, i just got listed on the burn list of ALL David Cook fans. Sorry, girls and boys, sorry to break it to ya, Im still a Jason Castro fan and hey, i'll be somewhere over the rainbows when he (and if he does) release a single or album.

Okay, i wanna bathe. Time to gte ready for school and General Paper. WOOHOO. Wish me all the best. CIOWZEDD.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

errr.. What was that again?

im like a totally blanked out now, and i have yet to do my econs essay. I truly truly feel life has been sucked out of me.

I feel almost depressed. OMGOSSHHH. So sad can.

Im like watching JoBro vids to make me feel better but quality is so poor, i would no sooner simply pluck out my eyeballs. Kill me.

Lit is hell. Paracelsus is a such a good guy and so amazing that researching and reading about him is NOT a chore but linking it directly to themes of DOM is so difficult and mine is super weak. I dunno what to do. Im getting Ilham to help me out now. OH IM SO BOTHERSOME PLEASE.

I feel needy now. =( who knew sunday nights could be SO depressing. Im off to my sad depressing state of mind.

I cant think of one inspirational thing to say. LOSERRRRR larh, syuhhhh.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I'll show you something to make you change your mind

Ive been stuck on the computer for 8 straight hours doing this lit video thing. Im so proud of myself, cos i thought i did a good job but who knew it could be SOOOOOOOO time-consuming.

DIEDIEDIE.

Im so lethargic, ive not watched teevee, ive not eaten a proper dinner tho i dont really feel hungry, and did i mention, my degrees just rocketted to sky high levels? OHMYMY.

And to top it off, my face is breaking out like nobody's business. Well, it is nobody's business but.. YOU GET THE POINT. URGH. not one, not 2 but i think is 3 or 4 HUGE ones. And one that is impeccably on my nose. @*$@*!(!))!*#*@&%

Yeah, thanks a lot.

RJC Sem went well. I totally adore RJ's campus. And their school badge. Let me tell you, thats something to be proud of, man. The school is huge and all GREEN. Okay, that part is not good, but seeing them makes me miss WRS' Skirt. Innova's skirt is damn -. I shant elaborate.

The CJ team was okay. But i had really bad butterflies. HAHAH. I was stumbling on my words but i kept looking at Mr Mahmood for reassurance. So, it made me feel slightly better throughout my part.

that lit vid is only 33% uploaded! ARGHHHHHH. My group better like the vid, i think i had some errors in there but if i have to edit it, i might just blow my top. SERIOUSLY.

I just want to watch teevee after this, then maybe wake up at 5 to study if my lazy bum aint too lazy. LOL.

Cheers.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Weary eyes and half-hearted hearts

This week went by fast but it was so exhausting. I was rushing to keep up to all my schoolwork, and not to mention the imploding pressure of the (dont say it!) PRELIMS. Save me the dread people. You know what im talking about. And Nik Tay, dont you switch on you teevee now! HAHAAHHA

Anyway, the pressure of Prelims is setting in. veryone doesnt quite sure it but more and mroe are studying and when you as them, its always the same reaction "Theres jsut not enough time" OH MY MY. Arent we all praying for a miracle? Well, pray harder, cos the only miracle youre gonna get is if you start now.

I just did cards for my Hist RJC Sem thing. I swear my eyes are so weary already. OMGOSSSHHH. Im so worried for Mel. You rarey have to worry for her cos shes always so cheery but today, she really did look tired and exhausted. I wished i could do more to help her but i DONT know what. =(

Wish my the best for tmr. Other than that, i skipped Floorball trainings (BOTH!) this week, but went for the runs. AND, basketball was so much fun with the girls (except nic Tan and Safa) with James GHW and Ian. They are so amusing, and i ahve no idea how basketball managed to loosen up those screws in my head.

I should jet, ive to be in school by 7 freaking am. That doesnt even make sense especially since its saturday morning. WHERE IS THE SENSE, PEOPLE? RJ people are CRA-ZIEEEEE! Okay, enough. Night, world. And to all my sick friends, GET WELL SOON and study hard over this 3 day break, friends! <3

Sunday, May 11, 2008

PROM and all the frills`

Ive yet to ask my dad but i asked mum and she was like okay. Enjoy yourself and passed me the money immediately. Which is really strange, i expected her to be more questioning BUT... now, i dunno if my friends are going, even Mun Ling. so, neither am i confirmed going, i guess.

Or well, its just PROM. Just one of those things... a disaster, or a night to remember.

its better to have said too much than to never say what you need to say

i was listening to a song on the radio with those lyrics and its just hit me, really hard.

Ive been thinking a lot about my emotions today. And no, im not bawling my eyes out. BUT, i feel so, wow-ed by these emotions. I think sometimes, you forget to feel. And you jsut go about your day, trying to make it past asap. But today, the sms i received from Aza made me think. The wish i told my mum made me think. The work i did made me think. The Desperate Housewives Marathon episodes made me think. They all made me THINK about my emotions. And i realised that ive been paying so much attention to my emotions. Like its always second, cos i always want to jsut get thorugh the day w/o being so swarmed with emotions.

Aza's sms made me feel so thankful about being part of the team. Like i truly have learnt to appreciate making friends with them. that maybe, they could jsut be more than my hi-bye friends. They could be my friends i turn to when i feel frustrated about training clashing with academics, and they know how it REALLY feels. And it amazes me how Aza doesnt even like to be complimented instead, she takes the bullet for us, even Mr Tan's bullets. And the love i have for playing with Siti and Ayuni, and my closer friendship with Lela and some of the juniors. I mean, the lost bonded us. Cos we were all comforting each other. And some of us cried and we were jsut all there to share the blame. I'd be lying if i said the game is all passe at this point. ITS SO FAR FROM PASSE. I dunno. Maybe, im thinking too much. But, honestly, i jsut visited the IJ floorball blog, and i love the cheer, i love the message put up there, i love the lame jokes starsky shares and i jsut love IJ Floorball.

Maybe its about time i played the sport because i love the sport, instead of because i want to get into the team, or because i REALLY want to be an attacker.

Maybe nik tay's right, that i should jsut play it cos i love it, because then, losing wont be so hard cos you know you'll jsut get better all because you love the sport.

i knew the song was sung by the wise and mellow John Mayer: Say what you need to say. God bless you, Mayer.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

What doesnt kill you, makes you STRONGER

i know thats just so cliche. But, its true isnt it?

The friendly against Yishun ITE went really bad. We lost 10-5. I was a defender. I swear, im going to imporve as a defender. I think there are jsut too many attackers, so i have to compromise and play defender. So i must improve either way. Its just really confusing having to change my mindset from attacker to defender, cos they are two different roles. And frustrating too. But, hey, im not complaining. I love playing for my team, and if i have to defend, i will. I'll have to work harder and improve my defending techniques, definately.

Yishun ITE was okay. I mean, they were pretty foul-mouthed, and that means not just saying shit, and no, i didnt hear the f-word, but you do hear sarcastic things which as a floorball player, is jsut basics. Like no high stick, and i bet if i didnt shout at the ref, i wouldnt have been given the free hit. But i because i said "Eh, thats so a high stick" the girl commented "Dont let your stick get in he way then" ERHHH.. i refuse to elaborate. But they were pretty decent, you cant judge a team with just a match right?

But i am humbled by the experience. truly am. You can never underestimate your opponent. Anyhow, i wanna get to bathing and studying. the match has been running thorugh my head again and again, like how i managed to let 2 goals in and a free hit, when it did hit me? i broke down after the match cos i was jsut so disappointed in myself. We jsut did defending training yesterday, and it all seems ineffective. I guess we just need more practice. Jamie will be so disappointed. I would hate to see him on Wednesday. Oh wait, i might not be coming, cos i have the history sem. =) OOOOOOO... and i get to see atikah syarah! AHAHAHHAAH.

Dont mistaken my happy tone, im still darn disappointed with how i played, and im determined to improve.

Friday, May 9, 2008

she had so much SOUL.

Listening to Homecoming~Kanye West feat Chris Martin

Im so damn tired. DAMN TIRED. Im love this song. I love chris martin. I think he is such a wonderful songwriter and vocalist. British and having a sell-out album -10freaking million- OMG.

Anyhow, yesterdays training was really good. I thoroughly enjoy trainings with coach, its usually really tiring, but its so fruitful. You learn so many things, and you just come out of futsal at the end of the day, being a better player. But, practicing it in futsal and DOING it during a match is two VERY different things. Im having a frendly in less than 4 hours? Yes, im quite nervous, its against Yishun ITE. YEsterday, coach taught us the flick and defending again. Too bad there was only 8 people! SO, it was a very "intimate" training. AND YES, OH THANK GOD, i got to play as an attacker! OMGOSHHH. Im seriously soooo happy! =D I feel so comfortable in that role, but i realise that even as an attacker, i still have to defend so, its going to be tough but hey, im going to try my best! =) I jsut hope my stamina doesnt fail me again like it did last week. =(

Talking about the week, the week, went by surprisingly fast. IT was a good week, pretty tiring, but it was a good week nonetheless. I really pity the teachers, they are all falling ill and taking MCs! On thursday, we had 2 hrs free period due to the absence of Mr Mahmood and Mr Paul Chow. Then on Friday, Mr Pang didnt come though we did have homework that we failed to churn out. Oh my.. i feel so guilty.

Im feeling so jittery. Dont know why. Maybe cos i woke up at 5.30 to do math tut 22B? OH GOD. dont remind me, im waaayyy behind. should have begun revising earlier, and now its likewe're at 23B now. Im 2 tuts behind! Done for man, i am going to finsih my math tuts this weekend, by hook or by crook and prepare Q 1-5 so My pang wont kill me come Monday. I hope that is possible? Oh geez, i totally forgot the fact its saturday, it feels like friday doesnt it? Maybe cos i slept early last night. I was in bed by 8.30 then was thinking if i should study, but decided to study at 5 instead. I was so worn, and the bed, was so damn inviting. YUP, miss procrastination was by my side again.

FYI, prelims is in 2 weeks. Gippy anyway, but nicole tay said i should prepare for it like it was in 2 weeks. Im turning a ghostly white and my stomach jsut did a 360 at the thought. You know, im going to bring monetary policy for training! LOLX!

Tell you a bout results if i get the time to! See you.

p.s: BABE, tell me about it.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Do you, do you, got a first aid kit, baby?

to my Babe,

i read your entry. And i know youre fine, hmmm.. trying to maybe? Im not trying to make this public, but babe, maybe this is not the time. Maybe, another time another place? When things a lot less stressful.

Right now, priorities are important. Its your last year, i think we all shouldnt be so occupied with the less important things in life, but focus on our friends, studies and yourself. Make time for yourself, babe. =)

I love you, and i jsut thought that you should know, if you need someone to talk to, i'll be there. Weekends are tight but that doesnt mean i cant make time for you when things get rough and confusing for you.

I hope you'll know whats important and what YOU need. And perhaps focus on that. =) The other things can wait, you know. So just be patient.

I love you.

Seriously larh, i just put a suckky pic of myself on my very own blog. OMGOSSSSH. HAHA.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Victory is sweet, but Memories are sweeter

When youre in the week, and its Wednesday, the week seems to be long, draggy, unbearable, but now, its friday (TGIF), and i suddenly feel the week has passed a little too fast?

But it was nonetheless, another tiring, exhausting week, and as mch as i hate the tot of Week 7 being down, Im so glad im sitting in front of the computer and finally got down to blogging the week.

I have to say, though tiring, this week was sooo amazing. In every single way. Again, we celebrated our LAST sports day. Can you believe it? NO MORE SPORTS SAY! i have to admit im sad at the tot. =( Dont you feel the same way?

The atmosphere Wednesday eveining, was amazing. It was electrifying, nerve-wrecking, joyous, spirited, and amazingly wonderful. The floodlights, the cheering, the cup, the rivalry between houses, the red (brain-surgery) bull shirt. It was all perfect.

I won 8x50. got in second place. I was secretly aiming for first but got cut in the curve. Nevermind, it was just a great finish altogether. Im so porud of my team that was made up of Lydia, Melissa Maniam, Melissa Tan, Han and erm.. a few more girls.

And then, the icing on the cake, Taurus won the Annual Sports Event. Oh.. as usual. HAHA. Okay, KIDDING! But i was extremely exhilarate when they announced it and i was jumping up and down, and Taurus was going CRAZY. Literally. But i was nice to be able to share this with all my friends. Too bad i didnt really get to cheer much cos i was stuck under the tent most of the time waiting to run. =( but i got to cheer a hell lot after that. It was so nice, when the whole student body settled down, sweaty, shaken, and yet high-spirited awaiting the results. We were all doing our own cheers and flags were waved high. How momentous.

Finally, pictures! Courtesy of Safarina. For more visit her LJ! =D

However, not all red teams are meant to be victorious. At about 5am thursday morning, Liverpool lost to Chelsea and away goal, no thanks to Riise, proved decisive. Hoever, i still feel that Liverpool can walk out of Stamford Bridge with their heads held high. Im so proud of them, that it almost teared me to see them fail to meet their goal with just a goal needed and perhap, jsut a few more minutes to bring the game into our hands. Im so proud, of Liverpool.

And torres, a final for you this year, seems but a vision now, but i hope that vision holds strong till next season. I hope to see you marching the Reds to the finals, heads held high and spirited, confident.

For now, let us look forward. Improve on skills and internal structures, we are not our strongest yet. We may not be the Champions of Europe, but we have been for 5 times, thats more than Man United, Chelsea even. And YOU are victors in the hearts of the fans like me, as i saw you fight, down to the wire, and i was praying somehow, something would happen, and then a lifeline by babel but, it was not meant to be. and my heart broke, but carra youre right, we will heal from this heartache.

I will remember that moment, the moment we had to walk out of Stamford Bridge.

Better news, training went well, my shoots improved but my match fitness still needs imporvement. I need to run more. SADLY. I could barely up to Farhanah. =( So, i need to do something about that.

Tmr is the Friendly. Im excited! I hope it wont be demoralising. At least Coach will be there. =)

Im out. The weeks been great, but im jsut glad its another closed chapter.