The Believer; A Dreamer.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

sometimes not saying anything is easier

today, at 5am, my maid went home. I didnt say godbye, i didnt give her a hug. And the last thing i said to her was, dont forget, 5am okay. And then, came the rush of calls, and her anxiousness and delight of going home after staying with what felt like 5 years but actually was 8 years, with us.

I woke up to the calls of my Pri 4 brother who was calling for her. And i felt angry, not at him, at myself. For not saying a proper goodbye and giving her the respect she was due. But it was so hard, and i wanted to cry that morning. Imagine the feeling, the first thing in the morning. I just wanted to bury myself under the pillows, and give her a frantic call to say goodbye. Really, but it felt so hard, because to be truthful to you and myself, i didnt want her to go home. I wanted her to stay cos her presence made home feel normal somehow. Like she was always there. And it felt easier not to say anything cos then, maybe you wont have to confront your emotions, but as i type this out in the library in Innova JC, my eyes are tearing. And I just wish her all the best for her future endeavors, and that she would hve reached Inodonesia safely. I also want to thank her for all the things she did for me... being my listening ear, taking care of us and being a friend. I will truly miss having her aorund the house. I never thought i'd feel this way, but i do, and im not surprised.

Well, there goes the announcement. The library is closing in 10. I still have a lecture later. Goodness. Thursdays are jsut horrid. Well, the true test of home, will start today. Actually it started at 6.30am today.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Take a Star from the sky

You'll never go to heaven
Or even to L.A.
If you don't believe there's a way

i feel like plucking every star that passed me by this week.

Unfortunately, none has. Okay, maybe a few by the name of nicole Tan, Studying hard, and trying to see BABE every morning. Other than that, my week has been close to a wreck.

Things with 0732A has been going from bad to worse. Im not trying to publicise it, but im jsut stating the cold hard facts. I jsut wished the class wasnt as factionalised anymore. At first, i thought, it was going to be okay being factionalised, but now, it seems we're waaayyyy to factionalised that we cant unite to correct the wrongs.

And its too late to correct the wrongs now cos steps have been taken to factionalise the class further. Seating arrangments, attitudes, its just seems like such a MAJOR problem when it was almost nothing 2 weeks ago. The awkwardness, the pretense, the division, its so frustrating. It seems that i despise his classes nowadays. It seems almost unbearable when he gets sarcastic and "threatens" us with our SGC. All of this treatment and attitude on both our parts seem ridiculous. And i want to walk out. But we see you everyday. It seems you no longer understand how it feels like being 17 or 18, when you forget, and when you screw up. Or even when you just dont care. And you have to step up to us, unfortunately, you chose to do otherwise. You chose to give up. And suddenly, all's not well. And i dont get why your attitude, cos youre the one whos suppose to show us an example of not giving up. Its rather low on your part. but i cant say we are innocent. Maybe, thats why im so mad about this hole situation. Cos i know im wrong too.

Sometimes, i feel like i dont deserve to be the CG rep, because i talk to much, and laugh too loud, and am too opiniated. But wrestling with all this different qualities of myself to be a better person. And i cant help but screw up. Maybe, you will see.

Im still sick. A little. I had my nose's phlegm the worse.

Pool are having a match tonight. Against Boro. I hate Boro matches, somehow, they always manage to conjure up something! I heard from palvin eduardo had a freak accident on pitch. Oh well, they will surely choke. I know it man. I can jsut see it coming. Although, i dont want Man U to win BPL 07/08 season, it is undeniable they could cos Arsenal always chokes. Okay, im being evil. my bad.

I seem to ot have anything else to say now.

Oh, i hanged out with nicole Tan, my star. Sigh. I studied, she studied (a little!) and we ate what some CNY goodies then.. we talked too of course. I love nic tan. I think thats one of our most honest sessions. I can be so honest with her and yet, she accepts me for me. My opinions, my hysterical laughter, myself. And its so great to be among people who truly appreciate your presence and your qualities and especially so if the feeling is mutual.

Well, Safa was my star too. My love the friendship we have created being the only malays in class. Now, due to our chattiness we are separated in class. GREAT. anyway, we took the bus and were the forst to reach AMKSS from our class. the bus ride was so funny... we kept talking and laughing. And there was this funny incident, and i bet everyone on the bus was jsut staring at us! so embarassing! HAHA. finally we cabb-ed to AMKSS cos we had no idea where it was and actually ended up at Marymount, bishan? LOL. Classic.

Community service was actually quite back-breaking. I borught study materials for my study session w nic tan. OMGOSSSHH. walking back and forth near Toa Payoh MRT is no joke. But i think i collected like.. at least 1/2 the can? So im proud of myself. Especially since, last year, i didnt do a good job. Hey, relief effort for future. Im glad to do my part! =D But it wasnt an easy task. But it started off right and ended off great too. I thoroughly enjoyed my day with the girls.

Now, all i have to do, is make time to sweeney todd. I can tell BABE is getting impatient... but so am i. Sigh, please help us work this out?

Hey, say your prayers for me this coming week. I really cant take a another disaster. PLUSSS... there are 2 tests!

Positive attitude.

I should be ashamed of this, I'm not,
'Cause I have tasted grapes.
This smile, don't look.
It's my BAIT, my WORDS, the HOOK
the audition/Approach the Bench

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The harder you try to NOT screw up, the more you just do

thats what Week 7 has been. FULL of screw-ups. Im just glad its friday. The week just started wrong. I can barely remember Monday. Thursaday, V day was suppose to be a good day, but turned out totally wrong. From the beginning. It only got better towards the end of the day. but Friday, sucked sooo mch still cos im jsut so worn. Mr Mahmood said he hates our class publicly. In front of our whole History lecture. I cant blame but seriously? Talking to him nowadays is jsut so awkward. Like you cant joke with him anymore.

Anyway, ive been feeling bummed out a lot. I just feel ive not been a good CG rep. I didnt bring the Thermometer, i wore pink flowery earring despite Mr mahmood's UNheard warning. And i forgot to bring Sheryl's form. OH GOSSSSHHH. Im getting amnesia i think.

Im just REALLY glad this week os over. Tmr theres the Lit course thing. OH GOD. its just a H1 for pete's sake. Im so over week 7.

Where are you, Nicole Tan?? HAHA. I miss you and your deadly weapon! PSSSSSSSSSTT the pus-sy thing at ---! HAHA. You should have felt the wind while Mel and PB and I walked to CWP. I just want to chill out now.

See you.

Friday, February 8, 2008

MORE PICTURESSS...!!

Ive put my heart and soul into putting up London picss... so please, make it a point to have a look at the pics please!!! HAHA. they are really nice, we have magnificent photographers! I pormise you! LOL.

I miss England, and its simplicity. Being away from home, and school and studying.

Wont somebody take me there???

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Ignore me if you see me cos i just dont give a S***

Line taken from the City is at War by Cobra Starship

Dont you think Gabe Saporta is soooo good looking?? HAHA. hes my new eye-candy. I love his cheekbones. GOSHHH. The video for the song is also pretty cool. They actually used an analogy. So instead of using weapons to show "war" they used PIES. Yes, PIES. So, when you get smacked with a pie, youre dead. And theres a scene when thaey were making the pies, and you see Gabe sieving thorugh white stuff, and the first thing that came to my mind was cocaine or heroine. but then the camera shifted to a sack of sugar. So i think its another symbol. After all Drugs are maiking the world go down too right?

Listening to: Smile for the Papparazzi/ Cobra Starship.

This song is really cool, and can definately be a club song. =) If youre thinking where the heck the groovy mix might be influenced from... Gabe was born at Uruguay! How cool right? im thinking like, if you want your child to born in a more cooler place, you know not sembawang, or ang mo kio or something... you could always go some where else to give birth, but that a crazy place, but i think Dover is pretty cool! =P

Anyway, im lookin through my songlist, to put on blog, cos we the kings has been there for what seems like forever and wayyyyy overdued. Im tempted to chg my layout too. HEHHHH. we'll see came back again and see how things goes.

BTW, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO ALL MY FRIENDSSSSS! HAVE A GREAT ONE GUYSS!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

TO MY DEARST BABE

DEAR BABE,

That was so great of you dedicating a post to me. Youve officially made me miss you more. How come we dont hang out anymore?? And whatever happened to your BELATED BELATED birthday celebration? LOL.

I felt so bummed out after training, and i jsut wanted to call you but i figured you had tuition. We should talk more often cos we've not been doing that. Remember we'd have those long chats that revolved around school, our fears, our freinds and family and even jsut ourselves maybe even nothing but we always found something to harp about.

So many things have changed but im so glad we've stayed the same. I should thank thank God more often for bringing you to me or well, me to you. No idea where i would be if we stopped supporting each other. And lemme tell you, i hate our fights okay! I can seriously cry whenever you use the sarcastic tone on me or even get mad me! Im such a baby, please dont remind me! I can only hope that we can continue supporting each otehr through this journey ahead of us. That no matter how low life gets, i have you to fall back on and you know that you have me. You know i will do my best for you even though im the worse "go-to" person due to the immense screw-up factor in me. HAH. I might no be able to correct the wrongs, but i could give you advice, and i could be your listeing ear, and you can count on that.

BABE, remember our promise? If you find someone, and you think that someone can make you happy, or you really want to TRYYYYY... You can okay! After all, rules are meant to be broken, but this must be after a full analysis by us two alright. LOL.

Lastly, have a great journey, babe. Enjoy the rays of sun that you love, enjoy the car ride, enjoy the palm trees that pass you by but most importantly, enjoy the moment that you have. Cos once youre back here, its back to school work. So, just breathe little and have a good one. Im already missing you. Cant wait till monday to give you a hug.

LOVE YOUUU babe. ALWAYS.

Deal With the Pressure

So says coach Jamie.

Im was so bummed out after training on Weds. I have a week to redeem my esteem and get back on my feet and show him that i can really "deal with the pressure" and i really can be part of A-Divs team, cos thats what i really want.

He asked how much effort we were all willing to put in, but i could only muster a 8.5 over 10. And he expected us to give 11 over 10. I couldnt pass him a fast ball, and im seriously disappointed with myself. While everyone else was gettig recognition, i was just screwing up time after time. This just sucks, and on top of the pressure he is putting on the team as a whole, i am putting pressure on myself to perform so i can improve as a player too. I really dont know what Im thinking with this mounting pressure. I jsut want to be part of the A-divs team, badly. You have no idea.

Schools been okay. Im been rattling about the break we're getting and im so pysched for it! I wanna study, relax, just study at my own pace and yet cover much. I feel ive been slowing down a little, and i really cant afford to do that.

GP comprehension was horrid! It wasso tough... oh gosh, i dont think i did my best! SIGH.

Tomorrow, we are going to wrap hampers for the old folks fr CNY. Im so happy. Tomorrow is going to be a good day of giving. And whats better than that right?

Hello, BREAK!

Friday, February 1, 2008

a different kind of me, this time

title taken from Paul Twohill's/Here I Am

helloh!

Im all positive and happy cos this week has been jsut filled with blessingsss! Alhamdullilah! The beginning of the week wasnt great thanks to the heavy workload i didnt even touch thanks to math test! So, monday and tuesday were jsut filled with completing the jungle of homework.

And my hard work for the weekend, paid off cos i got 18/25 for my test! WEEEEE. Its a start, isnt it? i hope i can bring back more great news and jsut slowly but surely plant the seeds to my success, for, GOALS WITHOUT EFFORT, ARE NOTHING BUT A WISH =)

also, im thnakful for the manymany friends that jsut always bring out the funny side of me, and help me try to see the joy in life, despite some difficult circumstance! The boys (im speaking generally cos, hell, im biased!) have been absolutely a pain in the ***. RUDE, NEGATIVE, IRRESPONSIBLE, and too top off all that, COWARDLY and plain NASTY. so, instead of always bad-mouthing them next week and calling Boris thio a moron most times when he says something dumb, correction, always says something dumb, i shall just ignore their absurdity and ignorance, cos they are the ones who will suffer int he end. I better watch my step cos i do not want Karma to bite me in the ***.

Anyway, we also had Econs test, which was today. 3 pages but i dont think i evaluated the policies too well! i kept saying equitability and efficiecy, but failed to explain HOWWW??? So, im doomed.

Did i mention, im with palvin singh for history SEA assignment? What (good) luck i didnt have TH and Boris. PHEW! I lovee palvin singh. He hates ppl getting mad at him so he tries to come to a compromise, which is anything but enough, but at least he tries right? And the fact that hes sooo funny and that just wins me over! Im glad i have palvin in my group. But dont tell him that!

And to top off the week... Floorball training. Im more determined to just continue improving! i want to be in A-divs team! Really, i can score, i jsut need more control and i need to just be better at defending! I love being a defending when you have to get up close to the opponent and jsut block his way. I love that, brings the competitive spirit in myself. Today, is cored twice. =) but i think rochester's team totally kept us out of our winning streak! =( HAHA Valhall was niceee.. now, that place isnt much a stranger anymore.

And thank you ahmad for helping me with the directions for my dad. god bless you, and may you enjoy your back-packing days with your brother dude. Take care of yourself okay... and just have fun. =D

Valentine's day is coming. dont you feel the love in the air?? Okay, not really, cos there are couples breaking up. But the love between Babe and I, my class friends, whom i can now call my great joker friends, between my friends, are in full blossom, and i have loads to be thankful for.

My life seems to be settling down now, like everything is just falling into place. I feel the pain of school load, but i still find myself, laughing and smiling and sleping in class and yet, ifeel happy. And something, when im with my friends, im so afraid that things will change too fast. and i jsut want to cherish all the lunch hour we share, and all the jokes we jsut cant take from each other. Im so afraid to blink cos im afraid the moment will be lost forever. Do you get what im trying to say?

Of course i know i cant be laughing all the time and im sure, one time or another, life will get me down. but i cant let it keep me there. Because life is about moving forward too. And sometimes, the pain lingers, and you think that you cant overcome it, but i think, you just learn to live with that pain. Put that brave face on, an just march on. Thats what soldiers do right? Kill till they get numb. Maybe, thats what we do by moving on. somehow this paragraph is making me sad. Im so afraid of running out or being stuck.

Anyway, i asked for an ipod from my mum. Suddenly, i want an Ipod. Everybody has that gadget but ME! How deprived. =( She says when she has the moolah. ERRRR... that means, wait longlong. I dont normally ask for things, i only do when i get desperate, so i guess im desperate for an ipod. I refuse to pay it with my own money! I wanna get Keds shoes with MY money! HURH.

nolove/simpleplan
broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
you learn the hard way to shut your mouth and smile
if these walls coudld talk, they'd
have so much to say
cos everytime you fight
the scars they are going to heal
but they're never gonna to go away