i shouldnt have shouted but i was mad. im sorry. im stuck here now instead of being downstairs where i could be having fun with my mum. sometimes you dont know your actions have consequences.

im going to be fine. im going to be fine.

i didnt do anything much today. HURHHH. im so disappointed. i keep telling myself time is running out but, it doesnt quite trigger anything anymore. i feel like im so tired of feeling anything. be it positive or negative. i tried sleeping it off but my siblings were too noisy. i indulged in chocolates though i already have ulcers and it hurts like hell. URGHHH. im so angry. so much negative energy, god help me.

yesterday was a happier day. i spent it with Mun Ling. Mun Ling has this ability of calming me down. i dont think she knows it but she makes me feel so settled. like as long as i have her, no matter how much school or everything outside of school sucks, having her around and her knowing i need a hug, is just so nicee. i bet its nicer than having a boyfriend. HAHH. we talked a lot in between and laughed at our budget outing. we studied too. i finally got to touch History- SEA. Goodness. the case studies are damn tough. at the end of our study session, i only finished Vietnam Phase 2 of nationalism. Damn. but its something! so, i had a good time with Mun ling. i hope we will be friends forever. we talked about Children!!! OMGGGG. She asked "Would you allow me to babysit your child?" so i said " yeahh. sure. when i have my anniversary dinners and all, sure!" and she said would you babysit my child?" and i said "no, unless i get along with your child cos i dont really have that much patience. you know that." HEHHH. we can talk about anything. i told you! =D

Also, i tried to look for the book by James Frey entitled A million little pieces. You guys should read that book. its really good. okay, ive not read it but Oprah Winfrey recommended it so it has got to have standard right? Apparently, that book is on loan. ( damnnn) so, i settled for the next book by James Frey entitled: My Friend Leonard. Im reading the second chapter now, yes, instead of studying. Hahh. ANyway, the book is really good. its sad. at the 2 chap, the main chararter, James, just got out of jail. so, he rushed to see his girlfriend who was breaking down the previous time they talked on the phone because her grandmother passed away. So this girl, Lilly, is all alone without anyone but James. So he rushed all the way back to Chicago. With flowers in his hands, he walks into the treatment house she was in and asked to see her. A man, called Tom later told him with tears and all that that she passed away in the morning. She took her life. And he is now, in a state of hysteria. Crying, sobbing, non-point. my heart, my heart, my heart. his heart. Lilly was the only girl he ever loved. She never waited for him. The book has a lot of inspirational phrases as James is also battling his inner devil, like many of us. So, you can definately relate to him when he talks about pain and suffering and holding on.

i also watched One tree hill seaon 2 on Star World today. the episode made me cry. It was about tragedies in our lives. In this episode, Jake left Peyton to find his baby girl. Haylie decides to stay on tour and decided she will never return to Tree Hill. She also, took off her ring because she felt she doesnt deserve it anymore. Nathan forces himself to train until he bleeds and yet he feels no pain... numbness. i guess, at one point, you do get there, you see the blood, but you just dont feel the pain.

i dont feel like studying. have anyone of you felt this way? and i mean, feel empty, numb without a decent recent, angry ver the smallest of things? im not trying to be emo kidd, these stories, i know you skeptics will say, are not real. they are just Dramas. But, where to dramas come from? Real life lessons. So, maybe they arent as fake as you think.

an excerpt
This year, I wished for love
And i got it.
If that's what you call tragedy,
then give me tragedy
because i would not trade for anything else in the world.

From the book
Pg 11
Pain is the feeling. Suffering is the effect that pain inflicts.
If one can endure pain, one can live without suffering. If one can live to withstand pain, one can learn to control oneself... I take the pain so that i will never uffer. i take the pain to experience control. i sit and i burn and i take it.

Page 12
They say let things come and let things go and live without possession and live without expectation.
They say live and let live, do not judge, take life as it comes and deal with it, everything will be okay.