The Believer; A Dreamer.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Mum's Burfdae and Transformers

Happy BirthDay Mum!!

Yep. There was no huge celebration and all but my mum got us delicious Swensens ice cream cones, and i savoured the mint ice cream topped with peanut and caramel. Yummm Yummm. HAHAH. lovely. My mum had the pistachio. i really dont dig green nutss. Just looks... off?

Did nothing much again for today. Dad's sleeping, younger siblings playing with the neighbours and bro's sleeping too. im logged on while ML cant. HAHAH. she has some problem with the internet connection. BooHoo!! =p

Anyway, yesterday as i said, i went to watch Transformers. =D and i was satisfied! The movie truly lived up to its expectation and trailer. With a cast of good looking poeple and robust robots from both the Autobots and Decepticons (sorry if i sound like a nerd), the movie will not fail you.

The movie starts off with the ever cute Josh Duhamel (equates to my love), boyfriend to Fergie. Even with all the soot on his face, you cant help but admire his face and stature. And he plays this character which was strong and determined and resilient (and sweet!).

Then, of course, you'd meet the guy who just couldnt get the girls, Samuel Widwicky (left of picture.. duhh), played by Shia Labeouf. Shia definitely lives up to his character who was both learning to be accepted by a crush and soon, he had to learn to be brave too as he was the only one who could save The Cube from Megatron. I believe that Shia truly has made his name in this industry with this movie. He was funny, and silly and brave and carried out his character well. An absolute joy to see him on screen.

Overall the movie is action-packed. Movie-goers should not miss it. It has a tinge of comedy too and cheesiness created by Sam and his parents, and even the robots, that does wonders in uplifting the movie. The robots are also amazing and the special effects will awe you. However, i did wish that the tranformation from car to robot could have been slower so that i could see the transformation as i felt that it happened too fast. But dont let that deter you, catch Transformers in the theatres now.

A movie not to be missed, definitely.

well im off, to god knows where. hmmmm.... wonderwonderwonder. HAH.

Love Transformers. Optimus Prime, super cool.

Friday, June 29, 2007

i feel like crawling into a hole now.

i cant be sulking now!!!
ive got Transformers later.
shoot.
This sucks.

i dont get it.
im trying to get it, and its frustrating me a lot.
but i still dont get it.
was i just like that one year ago?
trying to hold onto whatever was left that i could savour?
or was i really determined to let it all go?
i cant remember.

what is it?
omg.

i dont know what else to say.
i think ive said all i can.

i miss the confident you.
the one that could laugh confidently, and not worry at the back of her head.
the one that didnt seem so vulnerable and always asked "what ifs".
the one that wasnt so dependent.
you have to learn it the hard someday.
yours just came today.

the only obstacle is yourself.
you are hindering your OWN decision, way and thinking.

i have nothing to say.

cos right now, i dont even think it matters to you. and it sucks so bad to know my friend is hurting and all i can do is watch and give such little advice cos the truth is, only you can help yourself.

*
*
*

im lost for words. and im rarely lost for words. you have no idea how i wished this was over. that you can smile with your heart and soul. that you can smile sincerely.

you better not be listening to Avril's When youre Gone. if i find it in your MP3, i will delete it! *trying to make you smile* i cant promise you its going to be Ok now, babe. i thought it was, but now, i dont. i really dont know.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

OVERR

Exams are OVERRRRRR.

*screams, shouts and much celebration (dont forget to make 'em Shrill)*

As you might have figured out by reading the headline of my post, i am (truly madly deeply) happy that the exams are over. Ok, i didnt say anything about results, alright.

HAHH

well, on the first day we had our Hist and Malay paper.

Malay was alright except the Close Passage. I could not fit a word in the passage confidently.

History was alright too. BUT i didnt finished one essay due to my brain's malfunction. i jsut forgot. like BLANKKK. like i could come up with only 2 Factors!! goodness. and my Case Studies were also not elaborated well. SIGHHH. no fret.

Next day, Economincs. The night before, focussed on Firms and how they Operate. BIG MISTAKE. i totally did not prepare myself for demand and supply and Price Elasricities. AND the Case study was so dificult. omg. im so disappointed. i studied for the bloody exam and yet, im going to get the same results as everybody else. HURHHH. no fret.

Today, Lit H1 and Math. Lit was okay though i think there was an imbalance to my essay on the Poems. SIGHH. but i liked the poems =) the two poems talked about the night. so nice and peaceful. hehh.

Okayy, so they was a 2 hour break. spent time with ML and Boris sat with us. He was of course being the joker that he always is! but.. he made me think about what he said at the tabke jsut now, the education system makes us study the whole year round, so why do they still make us study during the June holidays???? Ponder that! Seriously right? i mean, sure our education has high stadard and is effective, but are they straining us kids?? i think yeahh. but, we goptta bear with it as Singapoean students. SIGHH. suck it up, as i always say. LOL. but nvm about that. that topic will forever be one of the most debatable issues in sinagpore. =) in a good way.

We had Math later. WOW. i really got stumped on this one. I thought i was actually well prepared for this one. oh man. SUCKSSSS can. Horrid. The whole class was buzzing with shock after the test. Lydia had BIG eyes. and she was like " syuhrah, could you do the first Q??" HAHAH. No dear, i couldnt do the first question. CRAZY man. Math is definitely horrid. Horrid, horrid, horrid. Ms Ng, do you hear me?? Math sucks, so... could you give more lessons???? hahahah. I need more math in my life. god, im gonna hate my life soon. fret NOW.

Well, after math, suppose to meet Mr Mahmood for PW but he had a last minute seminar so, we are going to meet at 10.30am on Friday. a NON-school day. Damnn.

After that, Whats Up and ML left for CWP. took the bus at the newly developed Bus stop infront of school. HAHH. It was so funny. I love double deckers. =p

Being BROKE, and i mean, totally broke, as in seriously BROKE, me and ML opted for Ice Kachang at The Horizon, while WU went to banquet, but they later ate at Swensens. SIGHH. So we talked, and chatted and talked about our grades and then we left to window shop. I loveee shoes. im a self confessed shoe Admirer or whatever you call them. Thus me and ML decided to go looking around at manufactured goods ( notice the sue of terms?? ). went to look at bags that i loved but was too poor to buy, and shoes at Charles and Keith. Oh, we also dropped by the ever famous Tian Po to look at the Advertisement again. Seriously, its like a bad joke, never seizes o make me laugh! and ML. She took pics of it to put on her blog. cant wait to read that entry babe! We looked at rings f course, and i being the greedy person that i am, hope and pray to have a huge rock on my finger if i ever get married. sigh, what a dream come true. ML wanted a small one but hey, bigger is better right? (Dont throw me Economics!) Then went to Metro, smell perfumes. mmmm.. very nice i actually liked most of the perfumes. =) but dont intent to get perfumes, cos i have a bottle of Envy still.

Well, we soon decided to head home. Sent my love to WU and went home. And now, im here after visiting Liverpool's Website (there was no mention of F. Torres!!!) and Our famous Sharepoint (tried to do Economics but the bloody thing hang-ed. WTH) and watched some videos from Green Day and Boys like Girls and now, and while waiting for OTH episode 19 part 4 to load, im writing on my blog.

i have a five day break now. well, four if i dont include Friday but i want to include it, make me feel better. HAHH. i wanna add pics from my phone that has been there for like FOREVER. HAHH. enjoy the pics!

the party's atmosphere.

My cousin Nazreenah with My sis Syuhadah.

My sis' Friends with her birthday cake.

My neighbour Syuhada, yeah, she has the same name as the birthday girl. Lol

My Bro, pic taken jsut today.

Dont mess with the me, Yo! HAHAH. i love this outfit on him. It comes with a cute blue tail like the devil's too. HAH.
Kenneth Neo, Friend that i made. Someone nicee. =)

My Innova Floorball Jersey. Puma 05. Sighh. i feel embarassed outting it up for im not in the team. well, i dont know who is in the team, but surely not I.

Thats all. =) Hoped you guys liked the pics!! Loveee. oh, and listen to Green Day: Working Class Heroes. Help spread the awareness of Darfur. Do your part, spread the message.

All they want is Peace.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

MUG MUG M U G

one week is gone.
one more day till Summer Tests.
Seriously, could the exams come already?! hahah. dont get me wrong, i might sound ready, but really, all i want is, to get it over with. OVERRRR.....!!

hmm.. been mugging like s***. Seriously. Practically am sick of mugging. i seriously dont think ive studied like this, even for O-levels. WTHH right? And do you want to know the worse thing?? i still dont feel confident. Sucks, man. This is horrid. Gonna study after this entry. hehh.

What happened today? Studied with My Babe. and Kenneth Neo. HAHAH. It was fun. not so productive cos i was feeling drained from sleeping at 2 in the mroning the night before. but managed to read History the whole Chap on Nationalism. Its really nicee. Interesting, the memorising and understanding and having that Timeline in your head is the draining part, but i shall pull through. s***, i have to. Ive come this far, if i stop now, or have some mental breadown, thats gonna kill. KILL. Kenneth is nicee. Im glad i got to know him. He helped put a smile on My Babe's face too. Which is nice.

Then, got home and helped wrap some present for my sis Party. Oh, did i miss that? How could i possibly miss "party of the year"?? Okok, im being sarcastic, forgive me. My sis is having her 7th party. Goodness.. like this sunday?!!? Last day of my studying schedule. got to be kidding. and guess what? im the "Emcee" for the games. LOL. i know you guys are laughing your ASS off. Oh, be quiet! hahahah. =D Goodness. Please get me through tmr. LOL

Well, ive been making my wishlist. HAHAH. *you've got to be kidding* *rolls eyes* well, sort of anyway. Not that im getting it anyway.

1) An Adidas Bag. The Huge Tote ones. HUGEEE. and preferably not black and grey. Duhh. I have black and Grey.
2) PSP. Is that very old? i think its cool. Lol. i was looking through Kenneth's and i think its super cool. i was like, i want thissss!! I want the white one, and i hope i'll be able to take care of it like a baby. Lol.
3) A new Creative MP3. The new one please. the Cute one with the screen. And i think theres pink. If not, black will do. HAHH.

Thats all ive got. Anyway, have any ideas? Lol. I dont even know why im doing this wishlist!!! im so ashamed of myself. Hahahah. Goodness syuhrah. ADD "PASS SUMMERTEST WITH AT LEAST D/C!!!" =D

im fine now. who knew i could say that safely right? im fine.
note to self: Read The Guide. Lit, is something you can do Okayy in, so do it, shoee. &&&& change your song. Fergie is so passe.

Oh yeah, Henry going to Barca!!!! WTHHHH. i am so shocked. Sighhh. Arsenal is going down!! And Alan smith is also leaving Man United. SUCKSSSS.

I missed both Floorball training. One by choice and the other training clashed with my ever important math class. HAH. im so not gonna get into the Floorball team '07. SOBB.

well, i gots to go. Get it?? Remember, "Love could never gets so true"???? hahah. the next time, youre at CWP drop by the jewellery shop Tian Po. They have this Ad for these lovely pairs of Wedding bands from annika Larssen. But the Ad has 2 grammatical errors!! Seriously, they should think about hiring a new advertiser editor or whatever you call the crew overlooking the ads. At least they were nice wedding bands. HAHH.

i really gots to go.*huge grin* Lol. See you around. No idea when my next update will be. hmmm...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

PW- An improvement

PW was not as bad as i expected. okay, it was. at first.

was on the way to school. Feeling deprived of Happiness, when i received an sms from Boris. "im going to be abit late." Hurhh. Replied and thought, okay, at most maybe 20 minutes. i mean, he did say abit. See, that was the trick.

He came an hour later.
Nevermind. Made it easier to talk to Mr Mahmood. Hahh. So, when he came, Mr Mahmood said some stuff but nothing much and there was this odd tension. hmmm...

Then he set off to my place but not before dropping off to our Vice-Principal's Office. She is superrr nice, can? Very comforting and she does take actions. Which is scary, really but she was sweet as to save our asses, seriously.

So, after that, Bois wasnt too happy. At the bus stop there was this super awkward silence and tension between the girls and Boris. We decided to talk among ourselves and let Boris think to himself for a bit.

Went to Macs. eurghh. Fatty foodsssss. Lol. There, the tension was lesser. Started talking to Boris and Laughing a little. Got into the bus, and he was stuck on his MP3 and we talked a little about our individual revisions. Its really a recipe for failure, i tell you.

Reached my estate, after what boris called a bloody long 10 minutes ride. and when we were at the door, he was laughing already which was really making me nervous. Goodness, im bringing Boris into my haven??!?!? i still could hardly believe what i was doing.

Got settled in front of the teevee and started muching on our individual lunch. Talked, watched TV. Talked Pirates of the Caribbean etc.

Then got started at 3.30pm after much persuasion from boris who was talking about going home even before we got started. Forever larh that guy.

And we workedddd. Sighhh. got it done to a certain extent. im Going to have to edit it which is really sucky cos im always stuck editting it and im not good with technology and all this movie clips thing. It really makes me confuse, but you have to learn right?

So, we were done by 6. and in between we had a lot of laughs... like how we chose to pick the song on our clip. or how boris responded when we wanted to look for chisholm's childhood pictures. he was like "Just go type African girls. Or boys." HAHAHAH. okok. im not trying to be racist here. but that was funny. but hey, people, it was just a joke okayy. im not racist. I love Oprah Winfrey. And we all kinda loosen all the tensions.

Im glad i survived the day. YEY! im going to survive the year! =)

i sms-ed Boris, Pei Bao and Nicole afters. Thank them and show my appreciation. Cos i really appreciated them coming dow to do PW. really.

Boris is going to Msia tmr. Suck. Wth. Who goes to holiday on the last week of school?! Okay. Nvm, retain retain orh, right Boris?? HAHAH. Have a nice holiday.

And i miss my babe. i saw her for a little only. she looked super cute. im was a mess and full of tension. Lol. Im studying with my Babe tmr. She has something to say to me. I hope she's ok.

Youre ok right babe? Hold on. It will pass by.

My parents are back too. They got me a banana chocolte cake from secret recipe. Surprising its nice. *slurppssss* and i had Dunkin donuts too. and those huge hotdogs. goodness!! im eating and eating and eating!! term 3 is starting and i think theres height and weight taking????? is there? Ok, no more junk food. im so gonna break that promise. i miss my family. and when i saw my littlest bro, i was kissing him so hard. I miss that cheeky smile!!!! And my mum was super nice and everyone came home at least 2 shades darker!!! hahahah. oh, look whos laughing. Lol.

I wanna revise till 0100h. Im crazy, i know. Economics is going down!! hahah.

Let the good times Roll.

Monday, June 18, 2007

i ****ing care

im filing a complaint tmr.
im tired of thinking about how you feel.
what about how i feel, for a change?
im sucha selfish bitch.
well, youre the bloody bastard that gets on my nerve.
i dont know whats going to happen tmr.
it 0038h.
i want to sleep.
but i miss my babe.
i wish she was here tonight.
god, why did this happen when she was not around???
my eyes hurt from crying.
i could walk away from all of this too, you know.
but i wont, because i care.
i care, i care, i care, i fucking care.
thats the problem.
i fucking care.

bring me back to 3 days ago. i'd give everything, just bring me back to 3 days ago.
goodnight babe.
goodnight world.
i shant sleep soundly tonight.

trying so hard

im trying so hard, dude.
and seeing you give up on your own team like that...
you jsut want to be the observer
well, we dont need your scrutiny
you dont know how hard im tryin to pull this together
and saying "i hate you so much for doing this to your own team"
will not be enough

you will never get it.
you dont know how hard is it to do the right things sometimes.
how i wished you knew
but you never cared enough to know
what did i do to my own team by letting you in?
im sorry, girls.
sometimes, the right decisions are not the right decisions.

dont cry.dont cry.dont cry.

First ever Sleep over

i just had my first ever sleepover with my bestfriend.

it was fun,
not because we had a pillow fight,
not because we stayed up all night watching movies
not because we ate and ate and ate and ATE junkk food

but because,
we had each other.
for 3 days 2 nights, i didnt need to sms Mun Ling to talk to her. she was beside me all along. and it was nicee. comforting. going out to buy food at night. being at the house alone with her and MUGGING. well, close to mugging. getting sleepy. helping her feel as comfortable as possible. there are still soooo many things we dont know about each other. For example our sleeping ways (HAHAHAH), we talked about the future. What we wanted in our lives and our aims and goals and hopes are all about the same.

of course, there were things on her mind because that was why she was here in the first place. "i dont want to be alone, babe.". Well, we tried to figure it out and while walking her home today, we came to a somewhat satisfying conclusion. i said somewhat. HAH.

So what did we do all this while? i got started on Math revision with Mun Ling's persuasion, and thank god she persuaded me. cos, i found out i know nuts about Functions, standard graphs transformation and Inequalities. and now, i have brushed up. a little. hehh.

now, i gotta start on Econnomics and History. i wanna say im so screwed.. but somehow, i dont feel so screwed cos somehow, i feel like well, i can still screw it a little longer. i just have to last for one week 2 days more and summer tests are all over (PHEW!). Then i can focus on Project work and my Pilot Test. =)

i will survive. and at the end of this one week 2 days, i want to smile. please dear god, let me smile.

My parents are coming back on Wednesday. im alone at home with my maid for the next 2 days. that sucks. i want to be with Mun Ling. i remeber saying as i locked my gate... "babe, do you really have to go??" and she said "yessss... even tho i dont want to go.". i feel alone now. studying alone. WTH is studying alone, man! hurh. nvm nvm. 2 more days. and the 2 days are gonna pass by fast. i know it.

im glad i had this opportunity to get to know you better. We'll be busier next term. we will have loads more to do. More things to complete. More tears to cry and anger to let out. Through it all, i want you to be by my side. As i would be by yours. i hope we'll be friends for eternity. Forever doesnt quite last long enough nowadays.

Im not trying to think that far ahead, but, when i have kids, and they ask me "what is the secret to having the best Sleepover ever?". im going to tell them that my first ever sleepover, was the best first sleepover ever. WHY?? cos all we needed was each other. Sleep together. laugh together. worry together. mug together. everything just do it together and it will be the best Sleepover ever. hey, books are entertaining. Oh, who's kidding! Lol.

you dont have to understand everything. i just need you to be there. you dont have to understand everything. because sometimes, even i dont.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

is my life beautiful

i took this tibetan Test thing sent from Safarina. And i thoroughly enjoyed it. i think the answers were to my satisfaction except for Q3. Hahh. but nvm. anyway, there was a question that asked me to write what comes to my mind when i see the word Sea. and i wrote Beautiful. which to me, it is bcos i have had Loads of wonderful time in the sea with my friends. and just this year, during our leadership camp, we went dragon-boating and kayaking and that was soooo much fun!! so i love the ocean and i try not to think about drowning or capsizing. hehh. i still remember okayy.. me and raji were like : there's no way we are going to capsize in this deep a water. NO WAY. hahahaha. so the sea is beautiful to me.

so, mun ling asked me "is my life really beutiful to me?".

Wow.

that hit me. im always saying life is horrid. What with everything. But really, im sure its beautiful right? ive been taking things slowly this week. studying but still have time to read and listen to music and update my blog, or well, i try!! hahah. and im proud to say, im actually liking the way it goes. sure there are some moments that threaten to bring me down. Like Mun Ling's break up. or that the boys in my PW group are refusing to come for meetings. or that, the PS is turning my brothers into monsters and that my dad seems slightly more agitated nowadays. but thats ok, right? its normal?? say its normal!! hahah. Everytime im up, i feel so wary. like im so afraid of falling down and feeling so blue. Im afraid of feeling blue cos it makes me do funny things like being rude to the people around me. cry a lot. makes me stubborn. makes me anti-social. Yeahhh.. im tired of being that way cos i know, that im not that way. i thrive on laughter. thats just who i am.

Anyway, about my week so far. Its thursday now. i studied with Mun Ling on Monday. i think. if i remember correctly. I played badminton with Mun Ling at the ampitheatre on Tuesday and that was lots of funn!! we had ice-cream afters. she said that it was her treat but im SO gonna pay her back. Babe, remind me please! hahah. Wednesday, we had group meeting. Attendance: 2. But later that night, we watched Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer as a family. i will tell you about that movie later. im getting the jitters at the thought of Chris Evans HAHAHA. That was so nice... Family time. and thurs, another meeting. attendance: 2 (again). And we watched Sunshine on DVD as a family. double yey as Cillian Murphy ANDDDDDD Chris Evans is starring innit. YEY YEY!!! hahahahah. and then mum called for Pizza Hut. Im so screwed for Friday's Floorball Training. ~~continuously EATING.~~ omggg... hahah. Should i go? i should go cos Coach is gonna be there. He might be talking tactics and i wanna be there to learn. =D to the school lib first. YEY. Floorball. Floorball. Floorball. =DDDD

Anyway, was talking about Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. i think that the sequel is sooo much better than the the first one. theres a lot more of action, theres a real climax which really makes you grip onto y0ur seats, there are surprises, and theres Jessica Alba for the boys and Chris Evans for the Girls. Hehh. I think that its worth a watch because it has a real plot, and the emotions in this movie, are being expressed well, and you can definitely feel it. Also, Chris' character, Johnny, the obnoxious one does make the movie very entertaining. He is definitely the one that plays the more major role in this movie between the other Fantastic 4. Its definitely worth the watch and i would recommend it. What audience would want to watch it? i believe the movie's quite general. there is very little explicit scenes, and its funny and there is a lesson if you think hard. Plus, it teaches you how to work as a team. come to think of it, Why dont you watch it with your PW group members. Wait, im talking about my own Group, that is. *Huge sigh*

Sunshine. This movie is quite boring as it starts. Its draggy and you may get confused by the technical jargon. but, as the story continues, it does excite you. finding the fifth member in the spacecraft when there is to be jsut 4. and finding a way to save planet Earth from freezing to death by planting the payload on the sun. the pressure is definitely on the astronauts. This movie taught me about selflessness, as many sacrifices were being made throughout the movie. there were vulgarities, but there was humour too. And the ending is not to satisfaction as everybody ended up dead but well, the earth is saved. Yeahh.. bummer. the plus side, features Cillian Murphy from Red Eye, Chris Evans from Fantastic 4 and Michelle Yeoh. Yes, Michelle Yeoh.

Well, i think thats about all. Im very tired and its oo43h. im going to let my body wake me up naturally. hehh. Night people. Love.

****
Im trying to be positive, but sometimes, life hits you, and you can hardly breathe.
at that moment, you just want it all to end.
but really, all you need to do, is presevere.

its gonna hurt, just little

oh, who am i kidding?

Its gonna hurt a lot

but im sure youre stronger than that

that you wont anything hold you down

you pave your change

you determine when you move on

you decide if its worth it

its you.

and i cant help you make the decision and

neither can i heal you

but i can be there for you

i can listen to you

i can hug you and tell you, you'll make it

i can tell you to not rush the healing process

i can tell you what you dont want to hear

hey, chin up. its going to be okay.

i know it hurts now, but it'll be sweeter in the end.

i know.

thats for you. im not pushing you away. i would never do that. but i want to be happy, and i know, that right now, you dont want to feel happy. so, im sorry. im trying my best to be the comfort you need. i am. i would never do otherwise. i love you too much. i'll always be there. but, you already know that. at least i hope you do. stay strong. you'll get through. i'll help you get through. LOVEEE. you'll be okay. breathe easy.

Monday, June 11, 2007

you dont know anything, i swear.

you dont know anything. i swear. dont say those two words. dont give me false hope. dont, say it and dont preach it. dont put that =D emoticon when you know i'll be pissed with that sms. dontdontdont.

you have no idea how i feel. you dont know how it feels to want to cry everytime. and feel like nothings going to improve. and feel helpless. and feel pressured. and feel so damn crappy. like even waking up is so tedious. being dead ought to bring more comfort, dont it?

YOU dont know.
stop saying that you do.

im tired of helping when im feeling hollow inside. im through. im done, from here.

too much to smoke. too much to drink.
we are all looking for something to take away the pain
we are all looking for someone to take away the pain
can you feel it? do you feel it? coming down. gotta get up. gotta get up off the ground. can you hear it? can you hear me screaming? i wanna hear you breathing.
we are all addicted something that takes away the pain.

the liar.
the liar's tired of saying she's okay.
it just ended. the big masquerade.
oh, the rain poured. she takes off her mask.
she stares off at a distance. she's not saying anything.
there was emptiness in her eyes.
but you always felt cold in her sight.
she is saying not a word.
.
.
.
.
she crumbles to the ground.
her pulse is gone.
there was never anything to see, in the first place.
no, dont shake your head in pity.
she fought alone. she's better off where she is.
.
.
.
.
hush. nothing gold will stay.
not even something as beautiful as a lie.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

i keep telling myself its going to be okay

Nadal Wins 3 times in a row in The French Open

look at that face and the arms. he looks so cute. i like... this picture!!

Yes. the man i was rooting, Rafael Nadal, only 21, mind you, won the French open 3 times in row. give it up for the King of the Clay. Heheheh. i love Nadal. He is very strong. im not kidding. He can stretch and whack simultaneously. WOW. impressed. plus, it helps hes quite hot. HAHH. so cute.

******

in other news, lifes ok. i couldnt sleep easily yesterday. i started thinking about PW. SIGHHH. i hate PW. im gonna start on it soon, after Oprah.

im listening to this song on the radio. its very nice. it sounds like boys like girls or american rejects. i wanna know the band!! i like the chorus. YESSSSSSSS. its boys like girls!! hahah. The great escape. its so nice... ahhhh.

i wanna play badminton later. maybe i'll invite Mun Ling.

i dont feel like writing anymore.

oh, i watched Elizabethtown yesterday. the chemistry with Kirsten and Orlando was really projected. their characters... its no wonder they ended going out after the movie, well, so says the media. HAH. i liked the movie. sure it was about love but i prefer to focus on the other message on the movie, spend time with the oes you love like your parents cos one they are gone, your cahnce might have been gone. Roadtrips sounds fun. ive done a few with my family. i cant for our next roadtrip. so much fun!

alright, im gonna get moving. Oprah starting soon. Hahh.

yes, people, i watch Oprah. BOG DEAL. i love Oprah cannnnn!!??!? Hahahah.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Should have been handled better

i shouldnt have shouted but i was mad. im sorry. im stuck here now instead of being downstairs where i could be having fun with my mum. sometimes you dont know your actions have consequences.

im going to be fine. im going to be fine.

i didnt do anything much today. HURHHH. im so disappointed. i keep telling myself time is running out but, it doesnt quite trigger anything anymore. i feel like im so tired of feeling anything. be it positive or negative. i tried sleeping it off but my siblings were too noisy. i indulged in chocolates though i already have ulcers and it hurts like hell. URGHHH. im so angry. so much negative energy, god help me.

yesterday was a happier day. i spent it with Mun Ling. Mun Ling has this ability of calming me down. i dont think she knows it but she makes me feel so settled. like as long as i have her, no matter how much school or everything outside of school sucks, having her around and her knowing i need a hug, is just so nicee. i bet its nicer than having a boyfriend. HAHH. we talked a lot in between and laughed at our budget outing. we studied too. i finally got to touch History- SEA. Goodness. the case studies are damn tough. at the end of our study session, i only finished Vietnam Phase 2 of nationalism. Damn. but its something! so, i had a good time with Mun ling. i hope we will be friends forever. we talked about Children!!! OMGGGG. She asked "Would you allow me to babysit your child?" so i said " yeahh. sure. when i have my anniversary dinners and all, sure!" and she said would you babysit my child?" and i said "no, unless i get along with your child cos i dont really have that much patience. you know that." HEHHH. we can talk about anything. i told you! =D

Also, i tried to look for the book by James Frey entitled A million little pieces. You guys should read that book. its really good. okay, ive not read it but Oprah Winfrey recommended it so it has got to have standard right? Apparently, that book is on loan. ( damnnn) so, i settled for the next book by James Frey entitled: My Friend Leonard. Im reading the second chapter now, yes, instead of studying. Hahh. ANyway, the book is really good. its sad. at the 2 chap, the main chararter, James, just got out of jail. so, he rushed to see his girlfriend who was breaking down the previous time they talked on the phone because her grandmother passed away. So this girl, Lilly, is all alone without anyone but James. So he rushed all the way back to Chicago. With flowers in his hands, he walks into the treatment house she was in and asked to see her. A man, called Tom later told him with tears and all that that she passed away in the morning. She took her life. And he is now, in a state of hysteria. Crying, sobbing, non-point. my heart, my heart, my heart. his heart. Lilly was the only girl he ever loved. She never waited for him. The book has a lot of inspirational phrases as James is also battling his inner devil, like many of us. So, you can definately relate to him when he talks about pain and suffering and holding on.

i also watched One tree hill seaon 2 on Star World today. the episode made me cry. It was about tragedies in our lives. In this episode, Jake left Peyton to find his baby girl. Haylie decides to stay on tour and decided she will never return to Tree Hill. She also, took off her ring because she felt she doesnt deserve it anymore. Nathan forces himself to train until he bleeds and yet he feels no pain... numbness. i guess, at one point, you do get there, you see the blood, but you just dont feel the pain.

i dont feel like studying. have anyone of you felt this way? and i mean, feel empty, numb without a decent recent, angry ver the smallest of things? im not trying to be emo kidd, these stories, i know you skeptics will say, are not real. they are just Dramas. But, where to dramas come from? Real life lessons. So, maybe they arent as fake as you think.

an excerpt
This year, I wished for love
And i got it.
If that's what you call tragedy,
then give me tragedy
because i would not trade for anything else in the world.

From the book
Pg 11
Pain is the feeling. Suffering is the effect that pain inflicts.
If one can endure pain, one can live without suffering. If one can live to withstand pain, one can learn to control oneself... I take the pain so that i will never uffer. i take the pain to experience control. i sit and i burn and i take it.

Page 12
They say let things come and let things go and live without possession and live without expectation.
They say live and let live, do not judge, take life as it comes and deal with it, everything will be okay.

Monday, June 4, 2007

the past and the present, maybe even the future

notice how you try the perfect words to say but you never quite get there. something is always wrong. maybe is the grammar, maybe the spelling, could it be the punctuation? or is it mostly, the message conveyed? does it say and spell out everything you need to bring out? Is it satisfying? will it hurt or create a smile? will the person ponder over it or argue in return.

Words.

You will never find the right things to say. you try, but you only get so far. words are cheap. anyone can use it, ABUSE it.

i read my previous convo with -. and at that moment, i rmb crying over it. but now, im laughing at it, bcos i rmb how i took it so seriously. how i was so upset about it? how maybe, i should have ignored it and said soemthg nicer instead of being rude. my words were not perfect.

but now i think its ok to not find the perfect words. cos, as long as it comes from the heart, its perfect enough.

i read my secondary school diaries today. oh man. everything about him came rushing back to me like i jsut opened this chestful of secrets. i laugh about it on the phone with mun ling, i read it to her, i smack my forehead with my palm, and i quickly hid it away when i heard my dad on the stairs. i do miss secondary school. but i dont miss him. but i did then. i missed him even after the s*** he gave me. even when i thought, things were ok and he abused it. took advantage of it. oh, you never knew how you bruised me. how long i took to get up and tell myself, get over that bastard. not worth you time and trust. get over him. ive not found another guy, and its not bcos of you, please, dont compliment yourself just yet. You were the fool in the end. Cos i learnt something from that rship. i learnt not to trust guys like YOU. not to be so easily fooled and manipulated. moreover, take it slowly. dont rush it. The Used said "let love find the way". i believe in that.

you should too. you have no reason not to love. theres always a reason to love. Let Love find you, thats the trick. thus i shall sit in them round tables, sit and admire how love works. i feel it around the table too when when im with my friends. we fight. oh hell, we fight. we bicker. we DEBATE. we slap each other hard on the back but we laugh. and we joke. and we give evil sly grins. we make almost-always empty promises of going for chalets, movies, and all that but college robs us of all that entertaining activities you know. but nevertheless,it helps to have funny friends. even if they are irritating. it help.its all Love . i bet you feel it too.

hmmmm... words and love. they dont go together. yeah. i think they dont. but for someone who loves to talk, hehh, maybe i take that back.

its going to be okay, my dear. pillar of support.

you and i. just.

RIP
emo kidd.
Murdered by Mun Ling aka My Babe.

one week downn

one week is GONE. just like that. omggg. 3 weeks more. ~~one week gone. one week gone. one week gone??!!!!~~WTHHHH.

im talking to Boris. i dont know how to continue from here. thus, i shall stop.

also, we had lit today. that was nice. The lit teacher was really good. im glad i came though at the end of the make up lesson i was like getting sleepy but thank god it ended before i fell asleep. i love Lit. i love spending time with ML mostly. its like wow, i wasnt angry today. Lol. its soooo nice to be happy. HAH

The kenduri/muhaimins celebration thing was good. a lot of people came and went and many said the food was good. which i could agree less. it was delicious man. no idea how my mum could come up with such quality caterers. yey!

i miss Whats up. things change but feelings that are in the core (so to speak) will never change yo know. no matter how much you deny it. HAHH. what am i saying? oh, that i miss Whats up a lot. ANd TXT of course. damn. Lol.

i need to study man. Ian, you lousy study buddy!!! encourage me dude. but you yourself not studying!! wthhhhh. hahah. ML youre up. youre by net study buddy. HAHHAA.

i loveeee my friends and Mun Ling- my babe! LOVEEEEEEEEE.